Birth Story #2 (part 1)

Can you write a post called birth story when you haven't even had the baby yet?!?

I have been in "labour" since 2pm on Wednesday. It's now Monday. 

I have been to the hospital twice. And been sent home twice. 

I am struggling mentally and physically and I just don't know what to do anymore 😭😭😭

I hate being pregnant. Absolutely hate it. I have been counting down the days for it to be over pretty much since I found out I was pregnant. I have been so uncomfortable, so emotional and felt so useless and not myself. 

I was so sure she was gonna come early, so when I went to the midwife at 39 weeks and she told me my cervix was "tightly closed", I was devastated. I was so ready for it to be over but this meant i wasn't even close. I went back a week later and there had been no change. Just felt like utter shit.

But then, I started getting pains at about 2pm.They were coming more and more regular and getting stronger. It was finally happening and only 1 day after my due date!!! After about 8 hours, contractions felt strong and about 3 mins apart so we went to the hospital. It was finally happening!!!

After an examination... Those words again... "your cervix is tightly closed". All those contractions and all that pain had done absolutely nothing. AND because of having a previous c section, I had to stay in overnight to be monitored. The contractions slowed and eventually stopped and we had a sleepless night in the hospital. At 8am they said we could go home after being assessed by this doctor... It took until 4pm to discharge us. And so we left the hospital completely exhausted, fed up and with no baby. It was heartbreaking. I couldn't stop crying.

2 more days of on and off contractions and it happens again. Very strong, 3 mins apart. So off we go to the hospital. Only for the exact same thing to happen. Cervix still closed, contractions gradually slow to a stop and we're sent home again at 10am on Sunday, totally wiped and still no baby. 

Another 2 days of on/off contractions. And it's just too much. I'm mentally and physically drained. I don't know what to do, I'm stuck in limbo. I feel like I'm doing soemthing wrong, like I'm letting everyone down. My body isn't doing what it's supposed to. I feel like a failure. I couldn't do it properly the first time and now I can't do it a second time either. 

I have a Csection booked for Friday. I dno if I can cope with 3 more days. I don't want to be cut open again. I don't want a 6 week recovery. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. 

And on top of all that I feel ridiculously guilty for palming Morgan off on her grandparents for so long. 

I just want to be in normal life 😭😭😭😭😭






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