I'm sad.

Im struggling.

I can't decide what to be sad about. That's how shit things are right now. 

I'm trying to be positive. To look forwards. But I am just so fucking sad. And I can't even do anything to cheer myself up because I'm soo damn pregnant. 

Although not being able to drink 12 pints right now is probably a good thing.

I feel like I've lost so much this year. 

The first back at the start of the year, a girl who was my bridesmaids (see previous posts). I guess to be fair, she was gone long ago. But it came to a head this year. 

The second in August. I still dno what to say about this. I never even replied when he told me he couldn't be in my life anymore. I wrote out a million responses... Angry, logical, agreeing, disagreeing, angry again. But nothing I could have said really mattered, it was for the best. It was better to just say nothing at all.

The third, only 3 weeks ago. My doggy 😭😭😭 I miss her so much. It's so strange losing a dog, everything is different.

And then before I even had chance to grieve Jazzy. One of my best friends from school had a stroke. He was 34 years old. And he died.

I hadn't seen him for 2 years. Maybe I should have tried harder to keep in touch. But he was one of those friends that it didn't matter how often you saw him, it was always the same when you did. We were close at school, he got me through my worst ever break up and then a few years later I tried to repay the favour. Hopefully I did. He was a big part of my early 20s, always out every weekend together, drinking everything! Jagerbombs, Irish car bombs... You name it we drank it. We used to buy a jug of cocktail each in Wetherspoons and just get a straw!! Some crazy memories together. We once drove to Blackpool, had some fish and chips and played some crazy golf because I'd left my gym kit on the train and needed to go pick it up 😂

Obviously as life went on, we grew up and stopped getting smashed every weekend, got jobs and new friends. Things changed. But he was always there when it mattered, weddings, birthdays, Otley runs... I can't believe I'm never gonna see him again. 



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