I want another baby.

(I wrote this a year ago and never published it... And now I'm 14 weeks pregnant... But I felt like I needed to post it before my next post) 

Well I don't.

I want 2 kids in my future and Morgan to have a sister. But the thought of going through the baby stage again fills me with dread. I didn't enjoy it the first time and the thought of doing it with a toddler in toe and a dog sounds beyond horrendous.

But it is consuming my every thought. Having a second child is so much more logistical than the first. I am forever feeling like we need to make this decision almost immediately... I need to go back to full time to get a decent maternity pay... We need to make sure there's a space in Morgans nursery to accommodate that. How far in advance does this need to be? When do we take the plunge? Are we gonna start "trying"? Or just see what happens? Our life is fucking hard enough, will we survive this? Will I survive this? Is this really what I want?!

I have never wanted kids. I'm not one of these women that sat dreaming about this day. We decided to have Morgan because we didn't wana hit 40 and it just be us. I came off the pill and a month later I was pregnant, we didn't even try. I don't coo over newborns and I don't know how to interact with children older than my own. It just isn't for me.

But I wanted the experience. I wanted to know what it felt like to give birth (not that I got to do that naturally). I wanted to know what breast feeding felt like. (nor was that particularly easy!) I wanted a year off work. I wanted to feel that "love that's nothing like anything else"

I felt bad. All these women so fucking desperate for children and month after month it not happening. Going through hell. Physically, emotionally and mentally. And here's me, not even that bothered, one fuck and pregnant.

Dont get me wrong I absolutely love being Morgans mum, the love I feel for her is incomparable. She is amazing and hilarious and a little fucking weirdo. And I love it.

But I never wanted to do to again. I was so sure. 100% certainty. I was so sure I was done, I gave everything away. There was absolutely no chance.

And then. Something changed. I don't even know what the trigger was! The decision consumed me. How will I ever know that I made the right decision? There will always be a what if?? How can we not give Morgan a sister? (or brother, I know it could be a boy, but in my head it isn't) The relationship I have with my sister is like no other, I couldn't live without her - how can I not at least try to give Morgan the same?! This thought has been with me throughout my whole decision process of only having one, so it isn't this that's changed my mind. But it's a factor. I'm well aware that they could hate each other.

The logistics are weighing heavy in my mind... How will we fit in walking a dog? How will we go anywhere with 2 kids and a dog and all their shit? How can I look after a new born while managing a toddler? How can I go through all that again with even more responsibility?! How will I get through the next year without a full breakdown?

Who knows the answer to any of that. The only thing I know for certain is that when I'm 40+, I want to have 2 kids.. And there's only one route to that.