I don't even know where to start

 As always, I don't know where to start. But the blank page is haunting me and usually starting with this sentence gets the post going...

My life feels like a mess. I don't know what I want in any aspect of life.

Work is tough. I came back from maternity leave in November last year. I work 3 days a week doing a job that is so complicated it is not made for part time. I've always been good at seperating work from life and the moment I log off my laptop I don't think about it again until I log back on. But when you only work 3 days a week, coming back on Monday having not thought about it makes you feel like you've been hit by a tonne of bricks and by the time I finally feel caught up again and back with it it's time to log off again. It means my motivation is low and often feel like what's the point in catching back up to just get left behind again.

I've never been a big career girl, I got the first job I applied for over a decade ago and have only moved since due to restructures and circumstance, not ambition. Despite this, I have always been fantastic at what I do (though suffering from severe imposter syndrome, I didn't really think this until a few years ago). And coming back from maternity leave those old doubts are flooding back in. Someone that I  managed for years covered my mat leave and I feel like he has now overtaken me on the career ladder. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for his progression and am proud that I had a hand in that but it just adds to the demotivation. He stayed in the job I left and my manager created a new role for me to help with the part time hours. But he gets all the exposure and all the glory and I'm jealous, which is ridiculous because I don't want to do his job anymore but can't help thinking "that used to be me". 

I am forever wondering if I am doing the right thing. Am I working enough hours? Am I bringing in enough money? Should I try and do more? If I work more will my motivation increase and I'll start loving my job again? Should I put my daughter in nursery for another day a week? Do I really want to give up my 2 days with her? Should I give them up? My brain is permanently full of questions and that's just the work side of things, probably the easiest to answer. At the minute I'm pinning all my hopes on switching my days, so I work Tues - Thurs instead of mon - weds. I dno why I think it will make a difference but hopefully it will. 

I realised I have started by talking about work to try and get something on the paper and obviously it is a big part of my problems right now, it's there daily and I don't know how to fix it but it certainly isn't the biggest thing on my mind. 

The other day I called my husband a useless human being. He said it was harsh. And maybe it was but I was angry and sick and tired of carrying the mental load. Two weeks prior I had booked our car into the garage for a repair, he was to drop it off before work and pick it up afterwards (let me just reiterate this point, he was taking it into the garage but it was still me that had to book it in). and he just completely forgot and booked in off site work meetings that meant he had to reschedule the car. We had already waited 2 weeks for it to be fixed and now we have to wait 2 more. Reading this you're probably thinking wow she overreacted, that doesn't make him a useless human being - which is what he said. But putting it into perspective... The following day I was to attend a court hearing for not responding to a speeding notification which I never actually received. He was driving the car at the time it was caught speeding and has also been caught 3 additional times by the same fucking camera! But since the cars in my name, all notifications come to me. Or they should. 

I had to take a day off work and travel to another city to sit in a court waiting room for 4 hours. When I was called in I had to go stand in a box and plead not guilty to 2 charges:

1. The speeding offence

2. Not responding to the speeding notification. 

I pleaded not guilty to both because, well, what else could I do?! 

The outcome? They dropped the speeding charge!! The bit where there was an actual offence, where they had actual proof of. Just dropped with no further action. 

But they're pressing charges with the second and I have to attend a proper trial in yet another city and if I can't categorically prove that I didn't receive the letter I will receive 6 points on my license and £1000 fine plus another grand in court fees! I mean what the actual fuck?! How can you get one chance to respond to a letter and if you don't receive it then this is the outcome. It is grossly unfair. And from the second I received that letter I was screwed. 

Is that enough to be called a useless human being? I don't know. I know it's not his fault that we didn't receive the letter and I'm angry at the system rather than him. But if he hadn't been speeding in the first place then none of this would have happened. 

I mean he also didn't get me a wedding anniversary present (5 years married) or a mothers day present (first proper mothers day) which hasn't helped the situation. I don't need the world just soemthing that he's put a bit of thought into. 

He said he would make it up to me but it's been 2 months and nothing so far 😕 I do absolutely everything for him. Don't I deserve an anniversary present? I could say more. Much more. but I think that's for another post...