And just like that I'm back at work

Except its not just like that is it?! Just gotta read through this blog to see how hard it is to get through the first year and probably every year on from now! People saying "and just like that, we have a 1 year old" seriously pisses me off!! Why are you diminishing what you've done in the past year with that sentence?!

Sorry, rant over... So I'm back at work. After 13 months on maternity leave. And it is fucking hard.

Mum Guilt. Leaving your child at nursery or with someone else for the day while you go to work is perfectly normal, everyone does it. You don't have a choice, you have to go to work. So why do I feel so bad about it?! 

Nursery bugs. Since going to nursery, Morgan has been unwell. A cough, conjunctivitis, a cold, the runs... It is relentless! And now my husband and mum have caught something as well (see previous post to imagine how I might be coping with this one!) - this is probably the main reason for the guilt... Leaving her at nursery when she doesn't feel very well seems mean. Leaving her with my mum and then my mum getting sick, feels even worse. And all the time trying to keep my panic attacks at bay and look after everyone else. This week has been fucking rough. 

Who am I?? I've been an impairment manager for several years. I've been a mum for a year. But I've never been both. Finding a new balance is hard. I don't know how to be good at both at the same time. And obviously I don't want to be good, I want to be amazing. 

Where do I fit back into work? I'm sitting on calls where I have no idea what's going on, calls where people used to look to me for advice, approval and support. I used to be the expert, that people couldn't manage without and now I feel like they don't need me anymore. My concentration levels are so low, I get distracted so easily and don't know how I'm ever gonna get caught back up. 

I know it's gonna take time, I've been back at work for 2 weeks and I'm only working 3 days a week. I'm being hard on myself and I need to be kinder, I know that. I need to learn to compartmentalise and I thought getting it down on paper would help that. I think it has. 

Hopefully next week will be better! 






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